Lady S (saffronlie) wrote,
Lady S
saffronlie

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I had a good weekend, perhaps a better weekend than I deserved, with the spectre of unmarked essays looming, and the little voice in my head whispering, "You should be resting." I did rest. A bit. I also went to a party or two, and the theatre (Gutenberg! The Musical!), and out for good eats. And then tonight I sat in front of the television for six hours and finished marking. Except for the late essays. I'll pick those up tomorrow. Thanks, students, for drawing out this painful process for both of us.

There's this tension in my life and it hasn't eased off as teaching has finished, like I thought. I guess I can keep hoping that I will stress less as the year winds down, but of course the holiday season brings its own stressors. My life is too full, I think. That's a ridiculous thing to complain about, but the fact is that I've never been good at compromise. I just want to do it all. And this time, my problem isn't my job or my extracurriculars, it's my social life. The problem is balancing Boyfriend Time and Friend Time and Alone Time (and rare Family Time), and weighing all that against my bank account. Boyfriend understands when I need Alone Time, but Boyfriend Time may as well be Alone Time, because usually it's pressure-free.

However, socialising in larger groups often still drains me. I feel like I have to put on a show, like I have to 'act normal' so that I'm not constantly being asked if anything's wrong. And I try to explain this to my friends, but I don't think they get it. I went to two parties in one night, while still battling the virus, and therefore I do not have the energy to go out to lunch tomorrow. That's the trade-off. Oh, sure, I seemed upbeat at the party. It's called overcompensating. The choices I make are about my wellbeing, and not about not wanting to hang out.

I don't know how much of my current state of mind is related to depression. I can never tell. I know I've been more anxious lately, but there's clearly been good reason for that.

Halloween, eh? Makes me feel guilty that I didn't go to church today and won't go tomorrow for the All Saints' Day. Catholicism: invented Holy Days of Obligation just to feck with you.
Tags: angst, depression, theatre
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